Asking “Are you OK?” can start an important conversation. But what happens when someone tells you they’re not? Learn how listening, providing support and checking in can make a real difference.
Thursday 10 September is R U OK?Day, a national day of action that reminds Australians that a conversation can make a difference when someone is struggling.
But the message behind R U OK?Day goes well beyond a single day. “Ask R U OK? Any Day” encourages us to stay connected with the people around us and make asking, listening and checking in part of our everyday relationships.
And that raises an important question.
What happens when you ask someone, “Are you OK?” and they tell you they’re not?
You’ve noticed that someone doesn’t seem quite themselves.
Perhaps a work colleague has become quieter than usual. A friend has stopped joining in with things they normally enjoy. A family member seems overwhelmed, irritable or withdrawn.
So, you decide to check in.
“Are you OK?”
And instead of the reassuring “Yeah, I’m fine” you were expecting, they look at you and say:
“Actually… no, I’m not.”
What happens next?
For many people, this is the part that feels daunting. We might recognise that someone is struggling and genuinely want to help, but worry about saying the wrong thing or not knowing what to do if they open up.
The good news is that you don’t need to have all the answers.
You don’t need to diagnose what’s happening, solve their problems or become their counsellor.
But knowing how to listen, respond and encourage appropriate support can make an important difference.
Asking is only the beginning
R U OK? encourages Australians to stay connected and have meaningful conversations with people who may be struggling.
Their approach involves four straightforward steps:
Ask R U OK? — Listen — Encourage action — Check in.
Asking the question opens the door, but what we do after someone walks through that door matters too.
Sometimes the most valuable thing we can offer is simply our time and attention.
They’ve said they’re not OK. What now?
Your first instinct might be to try to make things better.
We often respond with suggestions:
“Have you tried…?”
Or reassurance:
“I’m sure everything will work out.”
Or perhaps we try to relate their experience to something that happened to us.
Usually, these responses come from a good place. We want the person to feel better.
But before looking for solutions, give them an opportunity to talk.
You might simply say:
“I’m glad you told me. Do you want to tell me what’s been happening?”
Then give them time to answer.
You don’t have to fill every silence.
Listen without judgement
Listening sounds simple, but genuinely listening to someone can be one of the most powerful forms of support we provide.
Try to give the person your full attention. Avoid interrupting, dismissing what they’re experiencing or immediately trying to solve the problem.
Instead, acknowledge what they’re telling you.
You might say:
“That sounds like it’s been really difficult.”
Or:
“It sounds like you’ve had a lot going on.”
Open questions can also help someone continue the conversation:
“How long have you been feeling like this?”
“How has this been affecting you?”
“What would be helpful for you right now?”
R U OK? recommends taking what someone says seriously, not rushing the conversation, listening without judgement and checking that you’ve understood what they’ve told you.
Sometimes being heard is more important than being given advice.
You don’t need to have all the answers
This is worth remembering.
Supporting someone doesn’t mean becoming responsible for fixing everything they’re experiencing.
Most of us aren’t mental health professionals — and we don’t need to be.
Your role may simply be to listen, show that you care and help the person consider what support might be available.
This is also an important principle of Mental Health First Aid® (MHFA®).
Just as physical first aid doesn’t replace medical treatment, MHFA® doesn’t replace professional mental health care.
Instead, it equips people with practical skills to recognise when someone may be experiencing a mental health problem and provide appropriate initial support.
Encourage appropriate support
After listening, you can begin exploring what might help.
Rather than telling someone what they should do, involve them in the conversation.
You might ask:
“Is there anyone you’ve spoken to about this?”
“What has helped when you’ve felt like this before?”
“Would you consider talking to your GP or another health professional?”
“Is there anything I can do to help you take that next step?”
For someone in the workplace, professional support might also be available through an Employee Assistance Program (EAP).
Sometimes practical assistance — helping someone find a service, make an appointment or work out who they could speak with — can make taking that next step feel more manageable.
R U OK? similarly recommends helping the person explore possible actions and encouraging professional support when someone is really struggling.
What if you’re worried about their immediate safety?
Sometimes a conversation may leave you concerned that the person is at risk of harming themselves or may be thinking about suicide.
This needs to be taken seriously.
You don’t need to manage the situation alone. Seek appropriate professional or crisis support.
In Australia, Lifeline provides free, confidential crisis support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on 13 11 14, as well as text and online chat services. If someone’s life is in immediate danger, call 000.
Learning how to respond to a person experiencing suicidal thoughts or behaviours is also an important component of Mental Health First Aid® training.
Remember to check in again
The conversation doesn’t necessarily finish when you say goodbye.
Checking in a few days later can send a powerful message:
“I remembered. I care. You’re not dealing with this alone.”
It doesn’t need to be complicated.
A phone call, message or conversation might begin with:
“I’ve been thinking about you. How have things been since we talked?”
If they haven’t sought help yet, try not to become frustrated or judgemental. They may need more time, encouragement or simply another opportunity to talk.
R U OK? recommends following up after the initial conversation and checking in sooner when someone is really struggling.
From caring to confidence
Most people don’t need to be convinced that supporting someone who is struggling is important.
They already care.
The difficulty is often knowing what to do.
What do I say?
What if they become upset?
What if I say the wrong thing?
How do I know when professional help is needed?
What if I’m worried they might be suicidal?
These are exactly the situations where knowledge and practical skills can help turn good intentions into confident, appropriate support.
Mental Health First Aid® training helps everyday people develop the skills and confidence to recognise, respond and support someone experiencing a mental health problem.
You don’t need to have all the answers.
Sometimes you just need the confidence to start the conversation — and the skills to know what to do when someone answers.
One conversation can make a difference
This September, R U OK?Day provides an important reminder to check in with the people around us.
But conversations about mental health shouldn’t be limited to one day.
Notice the people around you.
Make time to ask.
Listen to the answer.
And if someone tells you they’re not OK, don’t feel that you have to fix everything.
Be present. Listen without judgement. Encourage appropriate support. And check in again.
Because sometimes the most important thing we can give another person is the knowledge that someone has noticed — and someone cares.
Learn the skills. Make a difference.
At Safe Harbour Minds, we deliver accredited Mental Health First Aid® (MHFA®) training, helping individuals, workplaces and community groups develop practical skills and confidence to recognise, respond and support someone experiencing a mental health problem.
Whether you’re looking to strengthen your workplace, support your community or simply feel more confident helping someone you care about, Mental Health First Aid® can make a real difference.
Explore our upcoming courses or browse our Mental Health Resources to learn more.
References & further information
R U OK? — How to Ask R U OK?Their official conversation guide covers asking, listening, encouraging action and checking in.
Lifeline Australia — Crisis support is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on 13 11 14. If life is in immediate danger, call 000.
